Pain Is Better Than Nothing
by Nycgal2003
Summary: Maybe one day I will find redemption. A way to repel my sins. Wash my wrong-doing from my skin. Strip my flesh and burn my bones. Not now.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

(Justin's POV)

_I did not want to die. I sure as hell did not want to live either. Not with her. Her. _

_She was dark coffee with vanilla sugar. A bright sunrise after the rain. Spring in pearls. I wanted to touch her just to make sure she was real. _

_Dark leather with blood. My life. MYLIFE. I have to pretend that I am alive. That I am sane. Working. A fucking asset to fucking community. Not now. Not when my soul is coffee, sugar, and sunrise. Stigma on my heart. _

_Maybe one day I will find redemption. A way to repel my sins. Wash my wrong-doing from my skin. Strip my flesh and burn my bones. _

_But not when I am so close to her. Not when her eyes make me evaporate into wall holes. _


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

_Words are just letters. Break them down and they mean nothing. They mean everything. Saying a word has more power than a punch in the nose. But the same blood will pour down the face. Same wounds will hurt. Same hearts will bleed._

_Something has changed. I want to lie, pretend I don't know. Don't notice the shut door, hurt, angst. Resentment. I want to be blind._

_It used to be simple. She pushes, bullies her way into my brain; implements herself onto my eyes. I get to play the noble sibling – always coming to help his rebellious little sister. Our roles were clear. We thrusted into each other and pushed others away, till there was nothing left. No parents, no expectations. Just our words._

_I am afraid. Of making the wrong move. Of staring too much. Of caring too much. My eyes are the ocean of images, remembering every breath, every touch. Ocean of desires; wishes so twisted they spoil my soul. As if my soul isn't rotten already._

_There is no escape. No play back button, no way out. It is not an illness, a curse. Nothing caused it. We were born with it. We are it._

_Nothing can cure it; make it better. Not a mother's kiss. Nothing._

_The only way is to let go. Release myself from her. Release her from myself. Untie the bonds so thick they cut air. Twist back fingers that are curled around my heart. Release my soul from the grasp of desire, of sin. Not yet._

_I want to know what she is thinking. I want to be in her. Maybe I am already. What is inside her, gently tucked away in a chest, locked with standards and rules and regrets? Even my sister has morals. She just doesn't know it._

* * *

Retaliation of sleep. Swinging his legs from the bed, Justin attempted to wake up and turn into human being.

It was only 8 in the morning but the battle between Max and their parents seemed to be in the full action. Or at least the voices were.

"But it is not fair! Why do I have to go?"

"Because you are too young. Justin and Alex know the limit of screwing up. But if Alex pushes too hard, Justin can stop and help her. You, on the other hand, don't know when to stop Max."

Their mother was too kind. But she was wrong. Justin won't be able to help Alex if she pushes too hard. He will simply push back.

Family vacation without a family. A new attempt. However, after the disaster in the Caribbean's, dad decided not to push Alex into going, and Justin was too busy with graduation. Their loss.

"Think about it Max. Mom and dad will be too…hmm…involved into each other that they won't care if you jump from buildings or turn into a monkey." Reasoned Alex's voice.

That forced Justin to snap into reality. No matter how much he wanted to stay behind the safety of a closed door, he was still the older brother and held responsibilities. At least to Max.

"Max, do not jump from buildings, turn into a monkey, or commit any other activities that Alex's brain might suggest. In fact, do not listen to Alex at all." Justin advised with resignation from the stairs. Not that Max would actually listen.

"Good morning to you too, sunshine." Retorted Alex from the couch without even looking at him.

"Alex! Not now guys. Look, if you do decide to kill each other, do not involve the house into your battle. Work your shifts at the shop and please do not break my lamp!"

"Yeah, yeah. The house will be spotless, the lamp will be put on pedestal, and Justin's body will be safely tucked in the basement. No go and have fun, please!" Standing up, Alex went to the side of her brother on the stairs. They both watched as their mom and Max left to meet their dad at the parking lot.

"Alone for 1 week. Finally." Alex happily stretched.

"Technically, I am here too."

"Yeah, but you are me, Justin."

With that words Alex went to her room and shut the door without looking at Justin. Millions of questions and responses pierced the air around him. Kaleidoscope of ways to respond. Yet, only silence was there to soothe him. But today, silence was too loud.

**

* * *

I should have probably mentioned before, but I forgot. Oh my feeble brain. Anyway, I do not own WOWP or any characters or any blah, blah, blah. The story is a fragment of my imagination that sprung from watching too much Disney Channel. Where can you go wrong with Disney Channel? **

**Oh, and I just finished Wuthering Heights; so me being utterly obsessed with the book influenced the planned story line. But no, there are no adoption twists or royal baby under the door plots. **


	3. Chapter 3

Deep Inside

(Alex's POV)

_It was not suppose to end like this. Soft skin and timid touch clouded her judgment. She was not suppose to be in his room, in his skin. _

_Hidden by darkness she could be anyone. Or nobody. Not Alex, not Russo, not his sister. Just a girl. Just a feeling. _

_And she was. She gave up everything for him, stripped her defenses, and exposed her skin. She gave up._

_Gave up on trying to fight it, gave up on her morals, beliefs. Gave up on trying to make sense of this feeling. Gave up on her family, herself. Gave up on him. Eloped into darkness._

(Justin's POV)

_Only my eyes remain. They are watching you, taking even every breath. _

_This is wrong. We both know that. But what if it wasn't? Would we still want to be with each other? So deep inside that your blood would suffocate me? I look into your heart for the answer but only blood is left. _

_So many questions. So many choices. We can end this all right now before we fall into each other so deep that even our even sunlight won't break us. We can go back, close the door, and hide our eyes. Kill our senses. _

_But we are still here, watching each other, counting breaths. One touch and I am yours. But then again, I always was. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Justin's POW_

_It all seems so normal but it is just a pretense. The thoughts are as transparent as glass. Every time I walk beside you, million scenarios play out: me touching you, reaching out and just never letting go. I thought that if I dejected myself from you, removed my thoughts and desires like a tumor, we would be saved, but it is still all there. It seems that I can never get you out of my head. You are implanted there always, permanently._

_The hardest thing is inability to unimagine my fantasies. They are crystal clear in my eyes. And I swear, sometimes I think that you seem them too. Those thoughts are simple; a palm spread on the abdomen slowly reaching upwards, legs pinning you underneath me on the couch. Can't you see it? Because I don't know what is real anymore. I am lost in my head. I've ruined us. But then again, you like being ruined._

_The music blasting underneath the door, flowing through the walls is overshadowing my dreams. Locking myself in my room seems like the safest approach I can take. You follow the same strategy. It's been only 4 days since our parents left for vacation but it seems more like 4 years. I promised myself that nothing would happen. That I would not snap. But I did. And now we have to deal with the fact that we can't look at each other without the desire to get heavily drunk._

_I want to run away. But I cant. I am too selfish to leave you and have only memories of the smell of your skin and the touch of your hand on my cheek to get me through. I want to always be with you. The perpetual dread is not evaporating though my skin. It just climbs in deeper, cuddling with my sanity and guilt. Will you save me?_


End file.
